It has been some time since I
last wrote – over a year in fact. At the
assistance group with Jesus, Mary and Cornelius last August I was confronted
with some very uncomfortable truths which sent my world into a spin. It has
taken me much of this time to return from the stratosphere of emotional turmoil
and feel centered enough to start writing again. In this time I have been
searching for the little pieces of my shattered soul in an attempt to begin the
arduous task of piecing the puzzle back together again. I am not sure if I am yet capable of tackling
this task or even if I really want to at a soul level. This is a massive revelation for me and it is
really quite shocking.
At the end of July last year I attended a ten day
retreat in the beautiful Monkeri Valley in the foothills of the Barrington Tops
in New South Wales with Jesus, Mary and Cornelius. They termed it the ‘Assistance Groups’ and the aim was to bring together people who are interested in learning about
God’s Truth and growing in Divine Love.
It was an immense privilege, I feel, to be invited to attend this
workshop.
It can be very cold in this region at this time of
year and we were blessed with beautiful winter’s weather – cold and fresh but
not unbearably freezing as it had been a few weeks prior. I was extremely
grateful that I was able to secure a single room as this gave me the space I
needed to feel into the emotions that surfaced during the time there.
Over the course of the retreat Jesus, Mary and
Cornelius expanded and deepened teachings that had already been presented on
Truth, Love, God, the soul and more. And they offered their feedback (in a
group setting) to a few who were brave enough to expose their errors publicly
in a bid to grow in Love.
I recognize now, and this was a hugely shocking
revelation for me, how arrogant I have become since awakening to God’s Truth
and Love. It is a trap that many fall
into on this path, this Way to God. But
it really took a comment from Jesus, which hit me smack bang in the face, to
wake me up. His comment (that I am assuming that John is my soulmate) totally
took the wind out of my sails.
What did this mean?
If you have read my earlier post on soulmates you will
begin to see the depths of my dilemma.
This comment put me into such a spin that five months on I don’t think I have yet found my bearings. Even now,
some fourteen months on I am still struggling to find my way through the maze
of confusion that has arisen as a result of this revelation. Am I doing anything right? Has everything I
have been doing been a lie? Has anything been real? How would I possibly know
what is the truth and what is mischievous deception?
I cannot answer that yet – even now, over fourteen
months later I still am not sure that I can answer that. I am still sifting
through the debris of the fallout and trying to feel my way through this maze
of lies, deception, truth, love, and hope.
Everything I think I know has been called into
question. Everything I thought I felt
now has a dark cloud hanging over it. Everything.
I still feel strongly that John is my soulmate but I
know that we are not in a soulmate relationship – not yet anyway. This is something that we both must want wholeheartedly.
It is something that can only happen when we both place God firmly at the center of our worlds. And this is
something that we both struggle with. While I feel that I have a strong desire
for a relationship with God I have been forced to acknowledge, in a most
shocking way, that I hold John up as my God.
And while ever I do this I am severely limiting my own progress towards
having a real relationship with God. It
is impossible to have both. God must come first for any real progress to be
made.
I am still reeling from this revelation.
I do not know what it means for me. Am I strong enough, brave enough to desire a
personal relationship with God above all else? I do not yet know. But I do know
that I want to be.
There have been times when I have been very ragefull and resentful about the situation I now find myself in and many tears have been
spilt as a result. But, what do I trust? What is the real truth? At this point
I can’t answer that. I have tried walking
away from God and this Path to Love but that is too painful and the pull
towards Love is too strong – I can’t do it.
At times I feel trapped and I get angry about that also. But I have HUGE judgements about anger and I
find it difficult to process through that.
The cushions and soft furnishings in the downstairs room are coping a great
deal of bashing lately and the dust doesn’t settle for long! Old magazines are
being torn to shreds in a bid to connect to and release some of the anger
within my soul. But there is still so much yet to feel and at times I despair
of ever breaking through the barriers that I have erected between me and
God.
I am learning just how unloving and destructive to the
soul arrogance can be and how hard it is to let it go. I am also learning that
the pull towards a relationship with God is stronger than any other kind of
love that I have experienced and I am terrified of what that might mean for
every other relationship.
I think I want 2016 to be the year for challenging
addictions of every description – physical, emotional, food, relationships etc.
Perhaps 2016 will be there year that I find the courage and the willingness to
break down the barriers that prevent me from developing a relationship with God
for real? Maybe this will be the year that I finally stop deceiving myself and
learn to develop true humility? Because, in the end it doesn’t really matter
right now if John is my soulmate, it only matters that love is the central
premise of this and any other relationship.
And so I make this promise to myself – every day is a
new beginning. Every day presents new opportunities to learn to love. I will
strive to learn to let go of false teachings and unloving actions and thoughts
– both about myself and others. Every
day I will reflect upon my thoughts and actions ask for forgiveness and
guidance. Every day I will hold onto the hope that I truly am worthy of love
and every day I will hold onto the faith I have that God is a loving, kind,
forgiving and generous Being who wants all
of His children (including me) to learn to grown in love and become at-one
with Him.
……………………………………………………………
In a bid to help me break through some of these
barriers to a real relationship with God, I was fortunate enough to work with a
wonderful therapist in Ipswich. The
incredible lengthy sessions we have had together have focused mostly on
assisting me to break through false beliefs and begin to see the truth about
myself. I have struggled with excess
weight for many years and it doesn’t seem to matter what I try – nothing works
– I can’t seem to shift the excess weight. I learnt from Linda that the
emotions connected with the Thyroid is RAGE. If I can get past the blocks that
I have about feeling and releasing the anger and rage that is buried deep
within my soul (much of it generational) I can then begin to heal my body – but
only then. Working with Linda provided
the permission I needed to feel the rage within my soul – but it is still a
struggle and resistance is still high.
It is always reassuring to me to have the same message
repeated by several different sources, this is when I know I need to pay
attention. So when Linda began talking about many of the truths that I had been
learning through Jesus and Mary I knew I was in the right place. It has been a
huge gift to be able to work through some deeply buried issues in such a loving
and accepting space and I feel blessed.
The other gift I have received in this time is the
opportunity to work with a dear friend, Lainee, who has a gift for assisting
others to access their deeper blocks. In the coming days and weeks I will share
with you some of the revelations I have had following some profound emotional releases.
From here on in I will endeavour to write regularly regardless of where I am
at. I hope and pray that I have scaled
the barriers to growing humility but I wonder if in saying that I am displaying
arrogance? I do not know; but I do know
that I have a strong desire to grow in Love and foster a relationship with God
– my aim is to get to the place where my relationship with God becomes the most
important relationship in my life – for all eternity.
I hope that by sharing my
journey with you, you might find little bits that will assist you in your own
journey wherever that takes you.
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