Monday 23 May 2011

Longing for Truth and Love

In the midst of the anguish and pain of feeling into the errors in my soul I sometimes forget to be grateful for all that God has given me. Gratitude lifts the soul in its darkest hour. Gratitude reminds me that life is beautiful and worth living, that it is worth striving to be more loving, more giving. Right now I need the reminders which this letter to God that I wrote back in February offers. I share it now with you in the hope that you too may recognize God's Grace and Love in your life even in the middle of all your turmoil and doubt.

love
Linda

Dear God,

Today I am feeling very grateful for all of Your blessings in my life. I am particularly grateful for my beautiful soulmate and his love and support of me while I am on this journey. Father, there is such a longing in my soul for Your Love and Truth and I realize that there is so much that I still have to learn about myself and about Your Truths and Your Divine Love. Help me to have the courage to live consistently in Love, Truth and Humility no mater where I am or who I am with.

I thank You for Your Love and the privilege of receiving it. I thank You for Your guidance and support yesterday when I was with some friends who are not on the Divine Love Path and for the courage to be humble and vulnerable as I shared part of my journey. But Father, I recognize that there is still a lot of fear in me that is preventing me from being truly open and humble at all times and because of this I am still very cautions about speaking Your truth. I want to change that Father and I am asking for Your help to do that. Please allow me to have the courage and the willingness to work through the errors in my soul that prevent me from surrendering to You completely. Please help me to work through the errors that prevent me from surrendering to my true soul desires and that keep me doubting Your plans for me.
Teach me to love and to trust completely that Your way IS perfect.

I thank You for Your beautiful Divine Love and the gifts that You have given to me, for the spirit guides you send to help me work through different aspects of myself. It is my desire that I will grow to know and trust fully each one of my guides just as they know and love me.

Father, thank You also for Yeshua and Mary and the others of the fourteen who have returned and for the privilege of being able to get to know some of them personally. I pray that You will continue to guide and support them on their journey of discovery of their true selves. I still feel so unworthy and yet so very grateful to be walking this path at this time with my beautiful brothers and sisters and for their generosity, love and support, particularly to those who open their homes so freely.

Thank You Father for all that You are and for all that You have done for us and for all of the gifts You have given to me. Help me to use these gifts in the best possible way so that I may be of service to others. I feel truly blessed. Thank You.

Linda

22.02.11

Saturday 21 May 2011

God's Love is Waiting

This past week has been difficult for me as I settle back into 'normal' life after a beautiful week away. I have been finding it difficult to connect to the deeper, more painful emotions, but on Monday I was able to allow myself to feel deeply into my pain and grief. It was a difficult processing to go through but for over three and a half hours I worked my way through fear, anger, shame, grief as the emotions seemed to cycle through many different paths. I find it challenging and often confusing - always confronting and I am very grateful for the Paryer for Divine Love that Jesus gave to James Padgett (see the Divine Truth web site ) and which I constantly repeat (in part or whole) as I work my way through the errors in my soul. One part of the prayer that I am particularly grateful for is the following - a part that I often reflect upon, especially when I am feeling very overwhelmed, this reflection was written on the fifteenth Feb 2011 but has also been very relevant this past week. I hope it helps.

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“Let us never cease to realize that Your Love is waiting for each and all of us and that when we come to You in Faith and earnest aspiration Your Love will never be withheld from us….”

When I am stuck in my pain and confusion I often forget that God’s love is waiting for me and that all I have to do is to ask! This I feel is a self-punishment action and I am working on letting this go and on opening up my soul fully to God’s Love and Grace in my life.

I find that I am often questioning God about how earnest I need to be in order for this error to be lifted from my soul? Usually I am reminded that the extent of the grief that I am feeling is relative to the pain that I have experienced and that I have held onto as a result of this emotion and that in order to ‘let it go’ I need to experience it fully. Sometimes this means crying for several hours or days over weeks or even months.

I often find myself questioning my faith – asking myself “am I good enough?” This too is a self-punishing emotion and once this awareness surfaces I can usually surrender then to God’s Love as I pray for forgiveness of my doubt and for the courage to feel the grief of my unworthiness fully.

Linda Munster
15.02.11

One of the hardest emotions I am finding to work through is shame and I am noticing that as I work my way through some very painful emotions shame is surfacing more and more. this poem came to me as I worked my way through some shame based emotions.

Shame

Anger coursing through my veins
Controlling my every thought and deed
Sometimes bubbling into rage
More often disguised as being peeved
It is a relief to express this part of me
To express my anger and set my soul free

Shame washing over me
Heat rising within the very core of my being
Nowhere to hide
It is all consuming
Shame
Heat,
Melting

Shame permeating the very core of my being
Shaping who I become
God’s Laws showing me
The emotions I need to overcome
Shame buried deep within me
Blocking my road to freedom

Repentance creeping into my soul
Acknowledging my anger, my shame
Praying that God will forgive
The deepest, darkest parts of my pain
Praying for forgives
Feeling unworthy of God’s Divine Love

Forgiveness washing over me
Letting me know that I am loved
Forgiveness washing over me
The Father’s Blessings from above
Feeling small and broken
Until the Father’s Love lets me know
That I am wanted. I am Loved.


Linda Munster
16.03.11

Tuesday 17 May 2011

Gratitude

We have just returned from a week at Airlie Beach in North Queensland where the weather was warm and the sea clear and where, for a week, my soul sang for joy. It was a magical week that rekindled the love in our relationship and allowed our bodies and souls to rest and recharge and it highlighted a deep appreciation for all that God has given to us. It also brought up many emotions for me which I have yet to work through, but right now I want to express my gratitude to God for all of His wonderful gifts.

Dear God,

Your Love surrounds me in every moment of my life. Waiting for me to acknowledge Your presence and invite Your Love into my soul. But I often find myself caught in the earthly trap of doubt and fear. Then, somewhere from within my soul a chord is struck, an awakening begins and I am reminded of Your Great Love which is waiting for me and for each and all of us. Waiting for us to simply ask You for Your Love and Blessings in our lives, stirring my soul to recognize Your presence in my daily life.

I want to let You now that I am very grateful for Your Love and for Your guidance in my life. For the beautiful teachers You have sent me. I know that for the most part I appear to be stuck in my doubt and pain (and I am) but then, when I have the courage to surrender to Your Will, I uncover a side of me that I had forgotten existed, that I had buried, and I am always very, very grateful for Your patience, understanding and most of all for Your Love.

Forgive me for my human frailties and confusion. Help me to continue to open my soul more and more fully unto You. Please, give me the courage and willingness to face each and every dark corner within my soul so that Your Love can heal and cleanse me, so that I may have the courage to step fully into my soul’s true and deepest desires and in so doing be of service to You and to all of my brothers and sisters both here on earth and in the spirit world.

Teach me to love.

Linda
15.02.11


Gratitude

How can I express to You
The gratitude that I feel
For Your constant Love and support …
Before You I kneel

How can I express to You
My deep gratitude
For staying with me
In my hour of need
For making my soul new?

How can I express to You
The love that I feel?
My heart is overflowing
And it is all because of You

You wait patiently for me
To have the courage to feel
You sing joyfully
When I surrender to Your will

You watch over me
You guide me
Waiting patiently for me to understand
That there is no greater Love
Ever bestowed upon man

How can I express to You
The gratitude that I feel?
What do I have to give You
That would ever begin to express
My thankfulness and love
For Your unending kindness?

I have only myself to offer
A sad and wilting flower
But I know that with Your love
My soul has endless power

I give You all that I am
All that I might become
For You alone
Are my source of joy, of love
My source of eternal blossom.


Linda Munster
10.03.11

Monday 2 May 2011

Working through Unworthiness - Cracks in my armour

At the moment I am still struggling with huge unworthiness based emotions and feeling unlovable. This is proving to be a very difficult emotion for me to work through and as I reflect back on some of my past journal entries and letters to God I find that it has been a recurring emotion for me. I struggle with this. Am I just not getting it? Am I wasteing my time even trying to work my way through this group of emotions? It seems that for me this emotion has many facets as each time I begin to work through it I find different pieces of the puzzle are revealed. It is a slow process and I am learning to trust that God knows what my soul is capable of dealing with at any one time but I am still very impatient. This letter to God was written at a particularly difficult time and as I reflect back on it now I realize that God is listening and that things have shifted.

Dear God,

Why won’t You help me? My body hurts and I can’t do anything without being in pain afterwards! I don’t deserve to be in all of this pain God! It even hurts to eat, or to walk, or to talk and I don’t understand why? Why is this so God? Don’t You love me? How can I learn to love myself if I don’t know what love really means? If I only know what pain and rejection is, how can I learn to love? Who will teach me? I don’t deserve to be in pain all of the time God! You said You would help me but You are a liar!!! You just want me to suffer! You don’t love me and You never have and You never will because I am unlovable! A despicable mistake that should never have happened! You are NOT a loving and kind God, You are MEAN!!! And You delight in my suffering. I HATE YOU!!! You never wanted me and have been punishing me my whole life because I am a constant disappointment to You. But I am a real person and I deserve Your respect if not Your love.

I deserve to be loved!

I deserve to be loved!

I AM Lovable. I am lovable!!!!

Why don’t You want to love me God? I feel like a faceless monster, I feel like I am nothing! I feel worthless!!!

Am I worthless God?

Am I nothing?

Is this all a bad dream? Will I ever feel truly lovable – truly loved? Will I ever feel worthy to know that I do have something to offer?

Linda
01.02.11

This letter to God took me into some very deep processing through fear, grief and shame for about three hours. Feelings of deep unworthiness and self-punishment kept tumbling over my soul as I prayed for guidance and faith. Deep remorse also washed over me as I realize how much harm these emotions in me have caused to our children and others. There is a sense in me that I will never get through this, that the unworthiness in me is so great that I will never be free of it and I don’t understand it. The other day I watched the movie "The Secret Life of Bees" with Queen Latifa and Dakota Fanning and this triggered again in me these deep unworthiness feelings I have around being unlovable. There is so much still to work through.

This next letter to God is just another attempt to continue working through these unworthiness based emotions.

Dear God,

How do I let go of fear and hatred and mistrust? How do I open my soul to love when I don’t really know what love is? When my only experience of love has been one that has been marred by conditions and control – even my soulmate love! How do I begin to trust You when I can’t even feel You? It all feels hopeless. It feels as if nothing will ever change and I will be held in this self-imposed prison for the rest of eternity.

I feel alone God. Isolated, alone, weary, doubtful and unworthy of Your love or of anyone else’s love! How do I change this Father? What do I need to do, to feel in order to feel worthy of Your love? Of John’s love? Please help me to feel as if I deserve to be loved! Please Father, Please help me! Please!

Linda
08.02

And this from my journal after the above letter triggered some huge emotions for me.

Right now I am feeling drained and somewhat defeated. For the past five and a half hours I have been working through the very deeply ingrained sense of unworthiness that is within my soul, feeling my way through hatred, mistrust, control, conditional love, hopelessness and ‘why won’t he listen to me? Why doesn’t anyone believe me?’ This deep emotion was triggered yesterday by John’s open rejection of me when we were at some friends place and the topic of us selling our house and relocating came up. I could feel strong resistance from him towards this conversation even though we have been talking of moving for the past ten years or so. I could feel myself projecting anger at him as I felt a deep sense of rejection.

Later that night we talked about this experience and as we were talking I could feel this emotion of ‘why won’t he listen to me? Why doesn’t anyone believe me?’ And I realized that it is connected with my father and my experiences of sexual abuse as a two year old. I desperately wanted daddy to believe me but he didn’t. He was more concerned with keeping the status quo than he was of protecting me. It was at this time that I learnt that I must sacrifice myself in order to gain daddy’s approval and love – and I have been doing that ever since! I have been sacrificing my self, my truth, my soul, my desires in order to feel love and approval and now I realize that I have hated myself for doing this. I have hated myself most of my life and I have not trusted my body – ever! Hence the sexual experimentation as a child, the thrush and acne as a teenager and young adult, the difficult pregnancies and increasing weight with each one and the ongoing battle with obesity and pain. These have all been self-punishing effects from the emotions of feeling totally unworthy and unlovable, of never feeling as if I would ever be enough or that my life would ever mean anything.

After working through this emotion for some five hours one of my guides came to me and explained that this emotion of deep, deep unworthiness is a generational emotion and deeply ingrained in both my father and my mother and that very few on either side have chosen to feel this deep unworthiness, this is why it is so hard for me. He reassured me that God and many Celestial spirits have been with me throughout this process supporting me and that God is pleased with my progress. He gently reminded me that I am loved and respected and not to be so hard on myself. There is more to work through but God knows what my soul can cope with and to trust the process – and myself.

As I allowed myself to continue to dip into these emotions of deep unworthiness a couple of weeks later I wrote this poem. It speaks for itself.

There are cracks appearing in my armour

There are cracks appearing in my armour
And they make it easier to breathe
There are cracks appearing in my armour
And it is beginning to set me free

As I open my soul to Your Divine Love
I feel little bits of armour fall away
And the real me beginning to shine through
I am beginning to feel safe and not want to flee

There are cracks appearing in my armour
Slowly opening, getting wider
Soon large chunks of armour will fall off
And everyone will see the real me.

I thought it would be scary to let go
Of the armour I have so carefully built around myself
But I am beginning to realize that this armour
Has been my hindrance and kept me from knowing You

There are cracks appearing in my armour
And for this I am very grateful
For when the armour falls away
All that will be revealed is God’s true Majesty

Linda Munster
22.02.11

Sunday 1 May 2011

Resisting emotions

There are times when I feel myself resisting my emotions, not wanting to go into the fear and deep grief that has taken a hold of my soul for fear of what might be revealed about me. I feel overwhelmed. This entry is taken from my journal on Monday 24th and Thursday 27th January 2011. It hilights the constant struggle that this emotional work can be but also the rewards that are received by way of clear memories and most importantly by God's Love flowing into the soul as an error is lifted. I often find it helpful to write my letters to God with my left hand when I am stuck. It helps me to revert to the hurt little girl quickly and I find it easier to connect to God and my emotions this way.

24.01.11

I’m tired and my body aches. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I punish myself so?

I feel terrible and yet I resist going into the grief that I know is just below the surface. My body, heart and soul are aching. I feel empty and powerless – abandoned and stranded!! I know it is all an illusion and yet I seem powerless to shatter the illusion, and that in itself is also an illusion. I feel alone. I miss my soulmate and wish he was on this path with me. I miss my relationship with God. Right now I have very little faith – I feel empty and shallow and drained. I am resisting and I don’t know why. FEAR! But of what? Why? I know that I can survive painful emotions, terror even and yet there is something stronger inside of me preventing me from trusting God. A need, a huge need to be rescued. A fear that I can’t do this on my own, that God will abandon me too, that I am not worth bothering about. The grief is overwhelming and I find it difficult and painful to breathe. I am afraid. I feel sick. Breathe! Keep breathing!. Breathe! Breathe!

Dear God,

Please help me to understand why I do not want to feel my emotions right now?

Please help me to understand why I do not want to love You fully and why I do not want to love myself?

Please help me to have the courage to see the truth?

Please help me God, please don’t abandon me!

Linda Munster
24.01.11



27.01.11

After the last entry I wrote in my left hand to God to ask Him to help me to understand. Almost immediately the emotions came up and I went to my processing room to work through the emotions that were surfacing. I worked through the emotion for an hour or so but did not get through to the completion of the emotion. I was exhausted. The next morning I woke around 8am from a dream with a start. The dream raised so much unworthiness within me. In the dream I was cooking a lamb in the oven, a whole, live lamb. I woke feeling such guilt, terror and deep, deep remorse that I cried and cried for almost three hours. During this time I was taken through several layers of emotion. I had a deep, deep realization of the error of eating meat, deep guilt and remorse for teaching my children this error, a realization that I always knew it was wrong. This is why I have never been able to participate in the killing of any animal. A realization that the Bible does tell us in Genesis that God never intended for us to eat meat, that She created a world where all of Her creatures lived in absolute harmony. A realization that in my heart and soul I knew this to be true but never had the courage to stand up for what I knew to be true for fear of being ridiculed and condemned. A realization of how much fear I have lived my life in – always feeling out of place, as if I did not belong. And then the emotion took me deeper still to the feeling of abandonment when Ada left and a deep fear that God would abandon me also because I do not deserve Her love. A knowing that Ada was with me through this process but I still have more to feel with this emotion and yet I was exhausted, especially as I had had very little sleep the night before. I allowed myself to rest in God’s loving arms before stepping into the business of the day ahead grateful for God's love and support.